Boundaries are the new walls. 40 is the new 30. k is the OK. On and on. Things evolve. Better to say people evolve. But not all people. Everyone knows someone with the same hairstyle they locked in at that one stage of life – so despite the fact that it was only in fashion for 3 weeks, they stuck with it. It’s like “have you picked up a magazine or watched TV in the last 10 years?” But that judgy thought that runs through my mind when I see someone rocking the “Rachel” in 2022 could just as easily be applied to me, I am sure. But here is the thing – please just fucking tell me. I want the feedback. Please hurt my feelings!
The thing is, I don’t have any walls – at least I try not to. I know enough people who don’t like me to imply that I must not have the walls to block them out. And it’s not that I am immune to being hurt, because everyone gets hurt and that is normal. But walls, or boundaries, are built on the fear of being hurt, and I think that is what I lack. And I think that is the key to being a successful entrepreneur. No fear, no walls.
You cannot be afraid to be laughed at, called stupid, seeing eyes rolled, or being told “no” day after day. Whatever boundaries you think you have as a person are useless if you live in a world where everyone around you – most everyone anyway – thinks you are crazy.
Not only can you not have walls as a founder, you also can’t be afraid of walls, because that is what everyone puts around you. Product development, marketing, finance, hiring a team – lots of walls to climb. So…you can’t fear walls, and you can’t have walls. Which means, of course, you are totally exposed. Which means you will get knocked down and hurt. A lot.
And the worst part is this – it’s very difficult, maybe impossible – to separate the “professional” lack of walls to the “personal” side of life. Your business IS your life. There is no “don’t take this personally” for a founder. (Please contact me if you’ve successfully learned how to not take things personally and you’re a founder; side note; if you think you are in that category, you may just be an asshole). For me, I just don’t have walls, or boundaries, or whatever you want to call them. Because I have zero fear. So I am super-generous and giving to people I like, love-bombing anyone who is on my side, while simultaneously setting myself up for the sideways looks and “leave me alone” daggers from those that get caught in my excitement. But you have to take that risk. You have to be pouring out the passion and love. This isn’t so bad for me as a GenXer. We are sort of used to being treated like shit. I can imagine how difficult this is for Millennials and Gen Z, who have grown up with social media and tend to either overshare or lock themselves in a fortress of giant walls to protect themselves from, well, everything.
The point is, walls don’t work. They are built on fear. Yes, they protect you. Any psychologist will tell you to set healthy boundaries. But be careful. Those personal “boundaries” might just be making you an asshole. And nobody wants to be around an asshole with giant walls around them. Nobody wants to help or be friends with that person. And despite the popular “don’t take things personally” jargon, you need to be liked, you need friends and you need help. The only people who get through giant walls are the ones you don’t really care about – strangers – who scale the wall to rob you of your soul, then leave. Don’t forget, walls keep people out, and keep you locked in. Be careful with your walls. Recognize them. Identify your fear. It’s hard to be successful, and even harder if you live in fear of walls or walls of fear.